31 is a bit early to be thinking about bucket list activities, I know. And no, I’m not dying… as far as I know. There are youthful antics, and then there are bucket list accomplishments. So what could I have done that was so awesome to fill a space on my future bucket list? It can’t be just some stunt, or misadventure as those are just youthful tomfoolery unworthy of such a life defining list. At my age it would have to be epic, manly, singular and unite friends in the blinding light of my glorious achievement.
I have done one such thing. Much more than a punch of my man-card, I feel it is truly bucket list worthy. I went to Oktoberfest with my girlfriend and close buddies. While there in full lederhosen and already super buzzed, I was asked to compete in the most manly test a marshal tribal culture could muster, the “Stein-holding Competition.” And I freaking won.
If you’ve never been to an Oktoberfest (I pity you), you may not appreciate the caliber of this accomplishment. If you have been to an Oktoberfest, you might understand. If you saw a regular guy destroy not only his peers, but defeat a muscle-bound hulk of a competitor on stage in front of hundreds of drunken partying hooligans – then you would understand. Luckily for you, you can see just that. – Oh did I mention that to make it harder, they actually give you gag rubber chickens stuffed with ball bearings instead of sissy lightass steins?
It was so close I didn’t know I’d won. You wouldn’t believe the praise from my friends, the crowd and especially my girlfriend. Nothing gets a woman more turned on (without touching her) than defeating opponents and asserting your alpha dominance publicly. I will always enjoy remembering that night.
Eviscerating my peers and physical superior in a test of might doesn’t get any more glorious, fun or awesome. If you don’t think so, just remember you’ll never have this conversation: “Oh, remember that time you were the strongest man of Oktoberfest?” Yeah, I remember. So how many of you can say that?!
P.S. Suck it. 🙂